I wish I didnt love you so much....

When i was about 10 or 11 there was this boy I went to middle school with by the name of Ladarious Johnson( I believe)

Kind of awkward in the way that he would stand, bow legged, dragged his feet, his eyes crossed a little bit, and he always talked like he was gargling water.

Very fat, very goofey, and was totally in love with every single girl he ever laid eyes on.

My cousin T.C attended Middle school with me and her mom was the principle of the school and so she was in the "Cooler" crowd I guess you can say...well in my mind that's what I thought.

All her friends were pretty and smart and skinny and were cheerleaders.
Of course T.C being my cousin I spent alot of time with her, also my mom being a school teacher caused us to always be at school and be together.

I guess where I was going with that was Ladarious loved her and her friends, and then that mess rubbed off on me.
 
I don't know exactly how he got my number, but he had my number and called the house one night.

My mom picked up and told me it was for me...
I took the phone and was stuck on the line with Ladarious for about an hour.
Listening to  him expressing his undying love for me.
Totally terrifying. Because love means babies, and babies took shits and I wasn't good with bad smells.
(remember this is in the 11yr old mind set)

And me being pre pubescent I was like...."Um....but....I don't like you like that." I think I repeated it about 12 times.

After I managed to get him off the phone for what seemed like forever  I walked into the kitchen.
My mom asked me what he said and I told her that he said he loved me and wanted to be together and live a good life.

and she said without looking at me "Hmm...sounds like a good man. That's what you need." and continued frying tilapia.

I think maybe....a couple weeks back I was standing in the kitchen with her talking about men and relationships, and she said without looking at me "That Ladarious- where is he at?...that was a good man. That's what you need." and continued stirring a pot of spaghetti.

and I promised myself I would make and lj update about it.

now I'm going to sleep :)

I'm really hurting.

I don't know If I'm 100% sure If I have ever had depression, but I think this is what It feels like.
Is post partum possible at 6months?

I honestly just feel terrible.
I don't know what to do.

I remember not too long ago I said "Things are going to well, I need to brace myself" I think I posted it as a facebook update.

It was the truth.

I finally got a job, someone I actually found attractive and interesting was payting attention to me, and then we had great birthday sex, me and my mom were getting along great, and my hair looked fantastic....

now all of that has went to shit.

BUT...I'm on the phone with Pookie and you are the only person I can be on the phone with and be texting at the same time. So I'm feelin alright. Minus the headache. I need strong drugs.

btw, I'm gonna do a late ass VMA review sometime soon because I just need to talk about how the end of days is so evidently obvious in our pop culture.
deuces.

Last night Piper came and picked me up from my house to go and attend an all age show at Mojos to see The Soooouuuuullllll Comitteeeee (like the soooulll train, get it? kinda funny? idk.)

Anyways, It was fun in the beginning I saw Liz and Angie and Ambular and Josh MacDaddy and Stephani and the list goes on and on and on. If I missed anyone I'm sorry but I love you, even though this shit is linked to facebook I think the only person who reads it is Tara *waves* (hey girl!)
It was a family show and I really didn't want to go because I was going to have Andrew with me.
I guess most of it wasn't so bad....until the end.
I had about five drinks and didn't feel anything and then when TSC got on stage all five of them hit me and Andrew started to cry, and it was damn near 12. I love you guys but I'm not doing that shit again.
I'll need a baby sitter, and If I don't have one then I'll just be at home :)

We all said our goodbyes, got kisses on the cheek, got hit in the head by a door trying to give people kisses on the cheek and headed off to Salems so I could get me a shrimp po boy and then home.
The guy at Salems was fine as fuck doe. Cute little puerto rican dude with the baby hairs.

Anyways, the point of this post. I wen't home and was gettin down on my shit and looking at pictures I had been tagged in within the last 30minutes by Piper.
There's two of Angie and Liz and my baby....

And then this wretched....horrific fucking picture of me with a Alabama Slammer in hand. Not even of my face. Just the awkwardness of my body from a lower angle, and the little double chin that I have with my ashy elbow and Andrews drool on my shirt. My tattoo looks fucking badass though, but the rest of me looks like a damn whale.

REAL TALK:
My self esteem is extremly low, It always has been, and It has dropped to a place I never thought It could go since I gave birth to my son because things about my body have permanently changed.
It's difficulte for me to be intimate because It makes me so uncomfortable.
Pictures like that do not help at all.
At the time I was feelin kinda fly like A G6 and then through sobering up I realized how awful the picture really looked and got really angry.  Piper is notorious for taking really fucked ass pictures of me, even back in the day, and posting them for everyone to see. Even on one occasion actually pointing and laughing at it infront of my face.
*going off on a tangent*
There was this guy Alex i used to work with at best buy, he was a pretty fat dude, not morbidly obese or anything he just was like...had a big ass *shrugs* I'm being honest.
I got my job back at staples and he was workin there and dude is skinny as fuck now.
So I asked him "How did you do it? How did you lose the weight?" and he said "No super diet, no miracles, I just said to myself I'm tired of being fucking fat."
*leaving tangent*
In that moment while I was eating my shrimp po boy and I saw that picture, I had my "I'm tired of being fucking fat moment"
I have two choices, I can be really angry at Allyson or I can start working out and be about it instead of talking about it all the time. SO I guess I'm just going to have to make better food choices...

but I still removed the tag off of that shit, cuz that's fucked up either way.
END OF REAL TALK

I'm off to church, deuces.

-Drea

I am still addicted to fast food and men...well I guess you can say I'm making healthier choices but that's just been  substituted with black, white, puerto rican, and chinese boys.

I like the attention, please teach me to be satisfied with my own vagina, and a salad.

I finished the paper work and I'm going to be doing a interview with the head of housing authority. Please don't let her be a bitch, because If she's a bitch then I'm not going to be able to focuse on what I wan't to say.
I know I got it in the bag, thanks to you, and assorted praise from my Grandmother...

ummm  what's the deal with the guy stealing power across the street from the church? Llike how Ghetto. That added a whole 150dollars onto the electric bill.

Please....please...keep crack heads away from my door. I'll just take pictures of them and post them on facebook. Hilarious but dangerous I believe.

Also I would like to have luxurious weave like beyonce, so I can swing it around while I'm at the club and I can be 100% sure It won't fly out. 

...andddd...thanks for the check I got from my school. I really needed that to buy diapers.

Amen.




- Drea

When life starts happening to you, you kind of forget what it is that you're doing in the first place.
Or things that you liked to do.
Like blogging damn it.
Also I really have no excuse, now that you can connect everything except your asshole to facebook and twitter so everyone can see the consistency and color of your shit everytime you poop.
That feature will be coming soon I'm sure.

Life is the same, I'm 22, It'll be almost half a year since I pushed Drew B out into this world.
In school.
Still single and ready to mingle....
forget I typed that.
I just want my boobs motor boated and like...beer. Ya know?

Andrew is asleep in the crib and my room is not looking cute right now.
There's an empty garbage bag in the corner that tomorrow will be filled with stuff.

I decided I should start pre packing If I really wan't to get out of here as soon as possible. I can just throw everything over my shoulder and drive it 30minutes away.

I'll miss you kierra kalanie zion ellis with your big sparkley shoes that light up, and screaming about everything all the time because mom and dad let you do it because you're 4.

I'll miss you kaelin andrea kerry ellis and your decent beat making skills at such a young age, and the awkward way you record my phone conversations and walk into mom and dads room without asking first.

I'll miss you kerry andrea ellis, and you being an absent father most of the time but when you're home you make up for it by being funny as fuck and attempting to fix everything. *literally*

I'll miss you katherine yvette ellis, and the fact that I always piss you off...no matter what I do. And my addiction to drinking and drugs probably ruined our relationship. But on the rare occasion when we do come together, we're fierce bitches aren't we? Where do you think I got it from?

-Drea

We wanted to get married but just way too much happened. He threatened to go back to New york and all sorts of stuff.

I think I need to start doing video blogs while my son is sleeping. Good idea?
Thumbs up or no?

sooo much to explain.

so i checked my baby daddys myspace and he has a car now.

whoah buddy.

yea wtf right?
and my mom straight up told me working at sykes right now is a retarded idea.
i agree.

"I swear you cant fuck with me
But I could fuck your girl and make her nut for me then slut for me
Then kill for me then steal for me and of course it'll be your cash
Then ill murder that bitch and send her body back to your ass"

.kandrea..

Apparently Nikki White will be even more of an old fart Than she already is on CINCO de drink alot Month (fancy name I made up)
My babies father has fell off the planet.
Alicia Keys is selling high tech Cameras...and I'm exausted.
Being a mother is so exausting.
Not so much the taking care of Andrew part, but the fact that no one will fucking work with me.
It's complete bullshit.

I had a job interview at sykes.
It went well, but this is the reality.

I live outside City limits.
The schedule I would be working is from Nine to five.
I have to get up at 5am everyday, get Andrew Ready and get me ready.
Ride with my mom into town to catch the City bus and take that to Sykes hopefully making it by 9am.

In the afternoon I would have to take the bus back or maybe get a ride with my mom and do that every single day....
If my car was in working condition, things would be alot easier.

.kandrea..